My husband (29M) recently discovered he has an 8-year-old daughter. He didn’t know she existed until a few months ago. We’ve been married for just over two years, and from the very beginning, we were both clear that neither of us was interested in stepparenting or being in a relationship with someone who had children. So when this revelation came to light and was confirmed, I (28F) knew our marriage would no longer work for me.
He saw my decision coming and tried to convince me to stay. He argued that we could make it work and that it shouldn’t matter now, even though he admitted he wouldn’t have stayed in a reversed situation. He wants us to remain married, raise his daughter, and eventually have the children we’d planned for. He believes I should be able to handle being a stepmom now, especially since there’s no ex-drama involved.
But his daughter is grieving and angry—understandably so. She lost her mom two years ago, lived with her aunt for a while, and was then sent to live with a father she had never met. She was uprooted and moved states away from the only home she ever knew. She’s dealing with so much pain and needs significant support. While I feel for her, I know I am not the right person to provide that support.
His family is disappointed with my decision. They’ve tried to talk me out of it, but I’ve been firm. I’ve already moved out of our shared home because it felt unfair to drag things out. We’ve been living apart for months, and I’ve filed for divorce. Despite this, he and his family continue to push me to reconsider. He’s asked me to try therapy with him, saying I shouldn’t throw our life away over something he didn’t know about.
His mother even reached out, saying they love me and don’t want to lose me, insisting that I’m stronger than I think. While I appreciate their feelings, this isn’t something I can work through.
At the end of the day, it boils down to the fact that I’m not okay with him having a child with someone else. Even though his daughter’s mother has passed away, and there’s no “competition” or co-parenting conflict, I’m not happy about this situation. I don’t think I could ever feel like his daughter is my own, and I’ve always known raising someone else’s child wasn’t something I was willing to do.
I know my decision is selfish, and I’ve accepted that. But does this make me a horrible person or the AH in this situation? That’s what I’m here to find out. AITA?
