I have sole legal and physical custody of my daughter, who turns 1 on New Year’s Day.
Since she was born, I’ve been her primary caretaker. Things worked out this way because her mom, my ex-girlfriend, initially planned to place her for adoption. I tried to support that decision, but ultimately, I couldn’t go through with it. My ex and I are not together—we broke up before she even told me she was pregnant.
We met in college, which is several states away from where I live now. I had already relocated closer to home when she informed me about the pregnancy. She still lives near the college, working toward her degree, though she’s had a tough year.
At first, my ex wanted no updates or involvement with our daughter. She agreed to let me have custody, and I’ve respected her wishes by not bombarding her with updates or photos. However, I also told her I was open to sharing if she ever changed her mind.
A few months after our daughter was born, she reached out, asking for an update and pictures. While we didn’t talk daily, she started regularly checking in. A few months later, she asked about visiting. I wasn’t sure how I felt about it, but I knew I needed to separate my personal feelings from what was best for our daughter. I believe it’s good for her to have her mom involved in her life.
However, my ex asked me to pay for her travel expenses. At the time, I genuinely couldn’t afford it—I was 24, raising a baby on my own, and money was tight. She seemed disappointed but didn’t push further.
Fast forward to a few weeks before Christmas, and she brought up wanting to visit for the holidays and our daughter’s birthday. I was annoyed that she waited until two weeks before Christmas to mention it, but I tried to keep the conversation civil. Once again, she asked me to pay for her travel.
This time, I could afford it. I had the money for a plane ticket and even had the space to let her stay at my place if necessary (though I wasn’t thrilled about the idea). But I still told her I couldn’t afford it. The truth is, I didn’t want to pay for her to visit. She doesn’t pay child support, and while that doesn’t bother me, I feel that if she wants to be involved, she should take responsibility for making it happen.
She tried to guilt-trip me, accusing me of keeping her from her daughter over Christmas and saying I should be grateful she’s made this situation “so easy” for me. On Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, she sent several messages accusing me of ruining our daughter’s first Christmas, calling me selfish, Scrooge, and even “evil.”
Was I the asshole for refusing to pay for her visit?
Edit:
- I already have sole legal and physical custody through the courts, so no need to advise me to speak to a lawyer.
- My ex is 22, in college, and has no money for child support. I understand that child support might be possible in the future, but for now, I want her to focus on finishing school.
