Advice Needed
I (27M) have been dating my girlfriend (31F) for nearly a year. Recently, she sat me down for what she called a “serious conversation” and asked for my social security number. Naturally, I said, “Absolutely not—why would you need that?”
She then explained that her ex-boyfriend had lived a double life. He hid a long history of criminal charges and eventually involved her in some dangerous situations before she discovered his infidelity and ended things. I sympathized with her past, but I didn’t see how it justified her request for my SSN.
She went on to say that since that experience, she’s had a close friend who works for the federal government run background checks on the people she dates. This, she claimed, was a way to ensure her safety. Because our relationship is becoming more serious, she wanted to do the same with me.
For the record, I have nothing to hide. I don’t even have so much as a parking ticket. I’m a workaholic, a gym enthusiast, and a proud D&D nerd who spends my free time watching anime. I told her she wouldn’t find anything incriminating in my background. However, I still refused to share my SSN. It’s a sensitive piece of information, and I don’t feel comfortable giving it to someone I don’t know—even if it’s her friend.
When I explained this, she got upset and said I didn’t understand what women go through and that this was about her safety. I acknowledged her point—I don’t fully understand her perspective—but that doesn’t change my stance. I told her she can trust her friend with her personal information if she wants, but no one is getting my SSN.
She argued that her friend wasn’t a stranger, as he’s one of her best friends and married to someone close to her. But I reiterated that I don’t know him, and I don’t trust someone I’ve never met with my critical personal information. It’s not about him—it’s about protecting myself.
She then said that if I didn’t give her my SSN, our relationship wouldn’t be able to progress because she wouldn’t feel safe. She also took offense to my lack of trust in her judgment of character. At that point, I got up and left. I told her I respected her concerns, but her past trauma didn’t give her the right to pressure me into giving out sensitive information.
For context, I’ve worked for the federal government myself, and I know that just having that job doesn’t automatically make someone trustworthy. I’m not assuming her friend is malicious, but I’m not about to take that chance with something as crucial as my SSN.
She’s now calling me insensitive and hasn’t spoken to me since. Personally, I feel like she was trying to guilt-trip me into giving her what she wanted, but I’m unsure. Am I being unreasonable here? Is this a red flag on her part? AITA?
