I (36F) have 9-year-old boy/girl twins with my ex (40M). We were together for three years, and when I got pregnant, he left me to go back to his ex-wife (39F)—who, it turns out, was still legally his wife.
Here’s the background: When we met, he told me he was divorced, and his friends even backed up his story. He seemed like a devoted partner, and we had serious conversations about marriage and kids. He also claimed he wasn’t close to his family but that his friends were like family, which I believed since they were always around. The truth came out when I was five months pregnant—he ended things, saying he wanted to co-parent. Weeks later, I found out he had “reconciled” with his ex-wife and that they had supposedly remarried. In reality, they had never divorced.
I don’t know if they had separated temporarily because she couldn’t have kids or if there was some bigger plan involving me, but she couldn’t have children, and they began acting as though my twins were theirs. They demanded she be present at the birth and claimed the twins were “their babies.” I later discovered he was actually close with his family—people who didn’t even know I existed. The whole situation was a disaster. My ex and his wife even suggested they could raise the twins and that I could call once a year. Naturally, I said no.
I didn’t invite him to the hospital when I gave birth, though I did notify him via text. By that time, I had a lawyer involved because I knew they’d try to fight me for custody. I communicated strictly through texts and emails. Over the first year, they called CPS on me (I’m certain it was them) and fought for full custody, which the judge rejected.
When the twins turned one, we established 50/50 custody, but it was an uphill battle. They constantly overstepped boundaries—making decisions without consulting me, calling his wife “mommy” around the twins, and sending me videos of her with the kids, acting as though they were hers. They even tried to push for extra custody time, often just minutes or hours. I had to document everything and stay firm in enforcing the custody order.
By the time the twins were five, after years of parental alienation and attempts to undermine me, my ex lost custody temporarily and was limited to supervised visits. Every time he made progress toward unsupervised visits, they’d fall back into their old habits—encouraging the kids to call her “mommy” and trying to take control. When the twins turned seven, my ex regained 50% custody, but by then, the kids’ relationship with him and his wife had deteriorated.
For the past two years, my ex has complained about the kids rejecting him and especially his wife. Recently, he asked me for help. He’s emailed me several times about how the kids won’t listen to her, don’t acknowledge her, and even refused to allow her to join one of their therapy sessions (the kids are in therapy). He believes we need to work together for the sake of the kids.
I’ve refused to help. Part of me feels justified after everything they’ve put me through—using me, trying to take my children, and disrespecting my role as their mother. I admit I’m glad they’re struggling to connect with the kids. However, I know my feelings might make me the AH because this is ultimately about the kids and what’s best for them.
AITA?
