My dad and I (28M) have always had a complicated relationship. He divorced my mom when I was a baby, and she passed away when I was very young (5). By that time, he had already remarried and had another child. It always felt like he expected me to forget my mom entirely and fully assimilate into his new family, as though they were my only family. My grief over my mom’s death was largely ignored, and I was expected to move on as though nothing had happened.
The only time my mom was explicitly discussed was when I was 13, and my dad sat me down to ask if his wife could adopt me. He said she wanted to adopt me but didn’t want to upset me since I still kept a photo of my mom in my room and spoke about her. During this conversation, he emphasized how his wife had raised me longer than my mom and had done everything a “real mother” should, so I should officially acknowledge her in that role. When I said no, he threw a small tantrum, stomping his foot and pouting before leaving the room. He never brought it up again, but the tension between us was palpable after that.
His wife passed away 3.5 years ago. At the time, I was engaged and planning my wedding. Six months after her death, my dad asked how I could possibly continue with wedding planning. I told him I still wanted to get married, and he said he didn’t understand, as he thought the wedding would be delayed for years. I told him that wasn’t going to happen. He dropped the subject, but it’s clear he held onto those feelings.
Now, my wife is pregnant with our first child, a daughter, and we’ve decided to name her after my mom. My wife wanted a nature-inspired name, and my mom had one, so it felt perfect. We haven’t announced this decision yet.
At a recent family dinner, one of my siblings asked if we had chosen a name. I said we might have, but we wouldn’t share it until the baby was born. My dad interjected, saying it was obvious we’d name the baby after his late wife, and there was no point in keeping it a secret. I told him he didn’t know that, and he lost his temper. He argued that if I had any respect for the family, I would name the baby after his wife, given that he and my siblings are still grieving. I told him that had nothing to do with our choice.
Later, he asked to speak with me privately. He accused me of hiding the name because I was planning to name my daughter after “that woman” (my mom). He argued that it was inconsiderate to do so when his wife had raised me and passed away so recently. He told me that a good son would honor the woman his father loved.
I told him his grief didn’t get to dictate the name my wife and I chose for our child. I also reminded him that my grief hadn’t mattered when I was 5, so why should his adult grief come first now? I told him we wouldn’t discuss baby names again because it was none of his business.
Since then, he’s accused me of invalidating his grief and being insensitive.
AITA?
