I (44M) have a daughter, Jess (18F), with my ex-wife, Mary (44F).
Mary and I had a rocky relationship. Six years ago, when Jess was 12, we mutually decided to divorce after Mary had an emotional affair (and likely a physical one, though she never admitted it) with a coworker.
I’ll admit some blame for the divorce probably falls on me, but in all honesty, I’d say it was at least 90% Mary’s fault. I strongly believe she has untreated BPD, and despite my repeated offers to pay for therapy, she never sought treatment.
After the divorce, Jess started to act out, which I completely understood given the circumstances. I tried my best to set firm but reasonable boundaries and rules at my house. However, whenever Jess was with Mary, she could do whatever she wanted without consequences. During this time, I paid $800 a month in child support.
When Jess was 14, she got caught with drugs at school. On the drive home, I explained how lucky she was not to be expelled and told her she would lose access to her devices until her grades and behavior improved. That conversation turned out to be the last time Jess came to my house.
After that, she refused to even get in the car when I went to pick her up. The reason was obvious: Mary let her do whatever she wanted, while I held her accountable. Although custody wasn’t officially changed in court, Mary essentially gained full custody. I increased my child support payments to help with expenses because I still wanted to take care of Jess.
Fast forward to this past December, Jess turned 18. I haven’t spoken to her in a year. A few days ago, Mary texted me, demanding child support. I calmly replied that Jess was now 18 and that I was no longer obligated to pay. Mary exploded, accusing me of “abandoning” my daughter.
The next day, Jess posted a TikTok calling me a “deadbeat dad.” The post was full of exaggerated and fabricated claims, likely encouraged by Mary, knowing I still check Jess’s social media.
Now I’m questioning myself. Was I the asshole for cutting them off once Jess turned 18? Did I abandon them, or was I just enforcing boundaries and stepping away from a situation where I wasn’t respected or included?
