Over five years ago, I (41) used my 401(k) to help my dad (69) and his longtime girlfriend (73) by putting a down payment on a house for them. I am co-owner of the house with my dad. His girlfriend pays $400/month toward expenses. They are both on fixed incomes and have limited resources. I grew up poor, but I’ve been fortunate to land a good job. My dad was a great father, and I wanted to support him.
His girlfriend, on the other hand, has always been extremely negative, full of complaints, and clearly burdened by unhealed childhood trauma. They are both aging poorly, and I had the idea of selling their current house and purchasing a large multigenerational home this year where we could all live together and I could provide better care for my dad.
When I brought up the idea of selling the house, my dad told me she was freaking out about it. I said she could continue freaking out, as I didn’t see the harm in discussing potential changes. Apparently, she misunderstood my intentions. She thought I was planning to sell the house, leave them homeless, and buy myself a home. She called me and yelled that I could freak out because “she wasn’t going anywhere.” After the call, she made remarks about how much rent she’s paid over the years, claiming she deserved part of the house and even threatened to get a lawyer.
I was devastated that she would think I could be so cruel. Over the years, I’ve been generous, transparent, and supportive. I pay their nearly $200/month water bill, buy a pallet of wood pellets every winter, and even purchased new kitchen appliances for them a few years ago. When she realized she had misunderstood my intentions, she didn’t apologize. Instead, she tried to sweep the entire incident under the rug like it never happened.
I couldn’t let that go. After thinking it over for a month, I sent her an email to set things straight. I explained that she has no ownership of the house, and rent doesn’t entitle her to proceeds from a sale. I also made it clear that she should work on repairing her relationship with her child (who lives locally) for support in case my dad passes first. I told her that I would not be supporting her financially in any way—not with rent or other bills—and she would not be welcome to share a roof with me in the future. I also informed her that I would no longer pay the water bill, as it’s in her name, and noted that I recently spent $5,000 to buy my dad a truck (in my name) and am now covering its insurance and maintenance.
She called me after receiving the email and tried to downplay her previous comments. She denied insinuating that she deserved $20,000 to leave the house and even blamed my dad for not explaining things clearly to her. When confronted with the facts, she caved but then called me evil. Ultimately, I told her it didn’t matter, wished her a nice life, and ended the conversation.
So, AITAH for making it clear that the house is not hers and setting boundaries for the future?
