I (43M) have been married to my wife Amanda (42F) for six years. Together, we have two daughters, Becca (4F) and Eliza (2F). I also have two kids from my previous marriage, Liam (17M) and Sage (15F). My divorce was messy, and since my ex-wife had a better-paying job, she was awarded primary custody of Liam and Sage. For the past eight years, I’ve had them every other weekend and on Wednesdays.
A few weeks ago, Liam and Sage asked if they could live with us full-time due to ongoing issues with their stepdad. Liam had even gotten into physical altercations with him. Their mother agreed it would be best for them to move in with me. I discussed it with Amanda, and while I knew she wasn’t thrilled, I didn’t realize the extent of her discomfort with my older kids—something she only admitted after we had our first child together.
Since Liam and Sage moved in, things have been tense. I’ve suggested family therapy, but Amanda is against it, and we’re stuck on a waitlist anyway. Before, when my older kids visited, Amanda often took our daughters to her parents’ house, claiming it was to give us space, even though I never asked for it.
I understand that being a stepparent is tough, but my kids are genuinely good kids. They excel in school, have active social lives, and are respectful. People often go out of their way to compliment them, so it’s been hard to watch Amanda nitpick everything they do, almost like she’s waiting for a reason to send them back. We’d already argued over the holidays when she tried to exclude them from family traditions.
Recently, tensions boiled over. Becca, who is going through a biting phase, bit Sage after Sage changed the TV to one of the girls’ shows. Sage reflexively slapped her and immediately apologized. When Amanda heard Becca screaming, she rushed in and started yelling at Sage and Liam, demanding they leave. Despite Sage’s apology and the visible bite mark on her arm, Amanda didn’t believe her.
The situation escalated, and Amanda continued yelling. Liam and Sage decided to leave to de-escalate and stayed at a friend’s house overnight. Since then, Amanda has been adamant that I need to send my older kids back to their mom’s house permanently. She claims she no longer feels safe having them around Becca and Eliza and even threatened to call the police.
This morning, I told Amanda that the incident was an accident and she needed to move on. She refused and reiterated that the kids had to leave. I finally told her that this is their home, and if she couldn’t accept that, she could leave instead.
Amanda took our daughters to her parents’ house and texted me, saying she’ll be back tomorrow and expects the kids to be gone. I ignored her at first but eventually repeated that this is my kids’ home, and they’re not leaving.
My parents have since told me that I wasn’t wrong, but I probably shouldn’t have told Amanda to leave. However, I’m at the point where I almost mean it. I never wanted another divorce, but Amanda’s treatment of my older kids these past weeks has made me feel like I don’t recognize her anymore.
Additional Context:
- When we had every-other-weekend custody, Amanda only took the girls to her parents on Wednesdays. Otherwise, she stayed home.
- Liam is not violent. His stepdad used physical punishment, which I’ve never condoned. This is part of why they wanted to move in with me.
- Sage is devastated. She even offered to move back to her mom’s house so Liam could stay, but I told her that was unnecessary. She didn’t mean to slap her sister, and Becca was upset about biting her. We’re working on it, though OT has been delayed due to insurance issues.
- Eliza wasn’t planned, but we were excited about her, and I got a vasectomy afterward. I love all my children deeply and want what’s best for them.
So, AITAH?
