Ignorance
First off: any seemingly offensive terms are purely descriptive. My goal is to express my feelings and how I perceive the situation.
She isn’t just carrying a few extra pounds or simply “overweight.” She’s morbidly obese. Her legs alone probably weigh more than I do, and her overall weight exceeds that of an entire family (e.g., 80kg + 60kg + 50kg + 20kg = 210kg). At one point, she mentioned being around 230kg.
To me, her weight symbolizes laziness, a lack of self-control, and gluttony. My partner and she are good friends. Whether it’s my bias or the reality of the situation, every time she visits, food becomes a central theme. We either cook, go out to eat, or order in. She orders enough for three people, while my partner and I together eat about half of what she consumes.
Every time I see her, I try to overcome my ignorance. But the moment I go to greet her with a hug, my arms barely manage to encompass half of her colossal frame, and I feel a wave of negative emotions—disgust, revulsion.
It’s not that she smells bad or is unkempt—she’s actually well-groomed. Her home is reasonably clean, she has good manners, and her friendly, easy-going demeanor makes her quite likable.
Yet, every time she visits, I can’t stop certain thoughts from creeping in. When I use the bathroom, I imagine her enormous body on the toilet seat, her flesh spilling over the sides, and the seat pressed into her skin. I end up wiping down the toilet with disinfectant wipes before using it. When she walks barefoot across our home in the summer, her swollen legs visible, I feel compelled to clean the floors afterward.
She is a kind person, and my partner clearly enjoys her company. However, I can’t seem to shake my superficial judgment of her. I feel ashamed of this and actively try to reflect and approach her more positively, but after years of effort, I’ve made no progress.
Thankfully, this is entirely my problem. No one else suffers because of it—only me. I sincerely hope my feelings don’t show and that I don’t unintentionally hurt her. That’s the last thing I want.
