Advice Needed
After reflecting on the comments I received, I decided to give my girlfriend one last chance. On New Year’s Eve, I called her because I’m the type of person who needs to know I’ve done everything I could before walking away from a relationship. Some people pointed out that while her concerns might be valid, the way she approached the situation was not. That perspective made sense to me.
I told her, “I understand and respect your need to feel safe, but I’m not willing to compromise my safety by giving you my SSN. I don’t know or trust your friend, and it’s illegal for him to use a federal database for personal reasons. However, I’m willing to pay for a legitimate background check of your choosing and provide the results. I won’t give out my social security number, but I’m okay with sharing my address, date of birth, and other relevant details.”
She refused, insisting her friend was the only one she trusted to do the check. I explained that this wasn’t about safety anymore—it was about trust. I told her, “If you don’t trust me, then this relationship can’t work. I’m not going to pay for the mistakes of your past partners, and I won’t give you my SSN because your ex was a criminal.”
She started crying and said it wasn’t about me—it was about her safety. I responded, “It became about me the moment you asked for my SSN. I tried to meet you halfway, but you won’t compromise. If you can’t trust me now, I’m not willing to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t believe in me.”
She got angry and accused me of not caring about her safety, saying that as a man, I couldn’t understand how vulnerable women are in society. I told her, “I do care, which is why I offered a compromise. But now, you’re trying to manipulate me, and I don’t feel safe being with you. If this is how you handle not getting your way, what happens when we face bigger disagreements in the future? Are you going to cry or issue ultimatums every time?”
She continued insisting that this was what she needed for her comfort and security. I replied, “I tried to compromise, but you wouldn’t accept it. There’s nothing more to say here.” This conversation wasn’t easy for me—I have severe anxiety, and I was pacing, sweating, and struggling to get the words out.
Then she brought up New Year’s, asking about our plans to spend it with her parents. I told her, “You should have thought about that before trying to strong-arm me into doing what you wanted.” That wasn’t meant to be a mic-drop moment—it’s just how things unfolded. I hung up, and now we’re over.
I’m hurt, but I’m also realizing I dodged a bullet. This situation should never have escalated like it did. For those questioning my actions, I made a good-faith effort to resolve things. I offered to pay for a legitimate background check, and she refused because it wasn’t the test she wanted.
It sucks to ring in the new year without a kiss under the mistletoe, but it is what it is. Whether she genuinely thought I was a criminal or had ulterior motives, it doesn’t matter now. It’s over.
